I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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