Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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