but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
