I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
