I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
