I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
