Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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