I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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