I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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