I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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