But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
