No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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