I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
