it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
