You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
