Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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