Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
