did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
