i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
