Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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