I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
