I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
