Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
