Nicole vs. Life
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
