My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
