chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
