he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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