I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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