Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
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you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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