I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize