Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
