call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
