The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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