We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
