Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
