Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
