I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
