You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
