i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
