Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
