Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
