I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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