i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
