Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
