He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
