Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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