So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
