I wish I could teleport
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
