I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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