seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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