my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.