Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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