I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My penis needs a shock collar
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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