You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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