I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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