It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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